Insanity? Depression...  Reality!

	You ever wonder what you would do if you 
had no more hope?  No more desire to go on?  
What would you do?  Would you just give up?  
I have been faced with that now for about 6 
months.  I tried to trick myself into thinking 
I still had a glimmer of hope left, but after
 much soul searching, I have come to realize 
that I have been left hopeless.  Why do I 
continue?  Because all my learning and logic 
dictate that I must.  That giving up is wrong.
  Is it really?  I am not sure...for me every 
day is a battle against depression.  People
 wonder what I am thinking, we to be quite
 honest they really don't want to know.  I 
try to cloud my mind with drugs, with fantasy,
 and busy myself with whatever is in front of
 me.  At this time in my life my biggest enemy 
is boredom.  I am not here trying to cry my 
tears, just to state who I am, what I feel, 
and see myself better through the eyes of
 others.  I did not force anyone to read this,
 and if you have no desire to read on, feel
 free to pass the rest of the whole mag by, 
as it is all my own morbid mental meandering.  
	What did it take for me to reach this point,
 a lot of time alone, and people that eigher
 I did not know how to deal with, or they 
did not know how to deal with me.  I make no
 claims to perfection, no aspirations to
 greatness, for I do honestly beleive that
 I have served little or no purpose on this 
planet, and the whole of my life has had a
 negative effect on the world around me rather
 than a positive one.  So what does that mean.
  Does it mean I should put an end to my life,
 maybe, I wonder that same question on a daily
 basis.  I have come to learn that no-one really
 wants to hear all this bullshit, but yet I have
 found no way to repair the problems that I have
 found in me without the help of others.  I wish
 that I could get over this on my own, but that is
 not the case.  So I meander on most aimlessly, 
most of the time in a distant, semi-glazed over, 
state.
	So why are you hearing this, because this is my 
magazine, and I felt like expressing myself.  Who 
knows, maybe someone out there has the miracle cure
 for me.   Has the answer to all my problems in one
 handy little paragraph, one handy little picture, 
or just in a thougth.  If that is the case, I thank
 whichever higher power saw fit to rescue me from 
this depression.  Ahhhh, I grow tired of myself 
talking and want to finish this so I can send it 
out only a few days late.  I hope you enjoyed the
 rest of it, and you will read on again next month.

Yours in eternal fulgin

f.


f.